


The Most Disagreeable Week

by stew (julie)



Category: The Adventures of Buckaroo Banzai Across The 8th Dimension (1984)
Genre: Dubious Consent, Friendship, Internalized Homophobia, M/M, Not Actually Unrequited Love, Sibling Incest
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 1989-02-26
Updated: 1989-02-26
Packaged: 2021-02-27 12:47:47
Rating: Mature
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 3,624
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/22237348
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/julie/pseuds/stew
Summary: Rescued after spending a week together adrift at sea, but unable yet to return home, Reno and Rawhide share the very last of their secrets with each other.
Relationships: Reno Nevada/Rawhide (Buckaroo Banzai)
Kudos: 2





	The Most Disagreeable Week

**Author's Note:**

> **Warnings:** Internalised homophobia. Sibling incest (I used to be well into brother-slash). Dubious consent. Unrequited love - or is it? 
> 
> **First published:** in my zine “Samurai Errant: Cavalier Tales Quixotic and Profane” #2 on 26 February 1989

# The Most Disagreeable Week 

♦

‘That would have to be the most miserable week I have ever spent,’ Reno commented cheerfully. 

‘It wasn’t so awful,’ his companion asserted from the top bunk. ‘A little disagreeable at times.’ 

‘What? Are you kidding? Floating on a thermos chest out to sea off the coast of Japan with no rescue in sight?’ Reno laughed. ‘Rawhide, I’m tempted to accuse you of having no sense, and no damn feeling!’ 

‘It wasn’t so bad as a week I’ve known, when my wife and I passed a whole ten days in a friend’s condominium in Los Angeles with nothing but a couple of tins of cocoa and some oatmeal to eat.’ 

‘Cocoa and oatmeal! Sheer bloody luxury, compared to the melted ice we just subsisted on.’ 

‘Made me appreciate that fish soup, though. There’s a first time for everything,’ Rawhide reflected. 

‘Well, get used to it, friend – that’s probably all we’ll be eating for the next week. Trust us to get picked up by the local fishermen rather than the QE II.’ 

At the tone in his voice, Rawhide shifted to look over the side of his bunk at Reno. ‘Are you regretting not asking them to take us back to terra firma?’ 

‘No.’ Under the pile of quilts and blankets, the smaller man moved in what roughly translated as a shrug. 

‘What’s the problem, then?’ 

‘Nothing – it’s just the sea. The sound of it makes me cold. Sort of a superstition, I guess. I’ve had enough of the sea to last me a lifetime.’ 

‘Reno, you should have said. They were prepared to take us in –’ 

‘That wouldn’t be fair on them. They’re too poor to have their fishing interrupted.’ 

‘Stop being so righteous. Are you feeling ill? Buckaroo said if you started running a temperature –’ 

‘The last thing I’m running is a temperature,’ Reno drawled. 

Rawhide scrambled out from under his lighter supply of blankets, jumped down to the floor and bent over his friend. ‘God, you feel like a block of ice!’ 

‘I’m getting old,’ was the cheerful reply. ‘The blood’s thinning. Happens to us all.’ 

‘I’m gonna call Buckaroo back. Were you feeling like this before? You lied to him!’ 

‘Rawhide, I’m fine. Honest. Just cold, that’s all. The grim reaper got too close this time, eh?’ 

‘You’re telling me.’ Rawhide considered the man’s appearance. His color was good, his eyes were focused and bright, there was no fever. Maybe he _was_ simply cold. ‘You want me to get in there with you?’ he offered. 

‘Is it too much to ask?’ 

‘Of course not.’ The younger man pulled a couple of blankets off the top bunk and arranged them over Reno before clambering in beside him. ‘Your feet are like icicles,’ Rawhide informed him. ‘Don’t you dare stick them anywhere sensitive, OK?’

Reno, arms wrapped round himself, wriggled as close to Rawhide’s warmth as he could. ‘Sorry to be a nuisance.’ 

‘It’s all right. What else are friends for?’ 

Soon growing delightfully warmer, he found that the creak and roll of the ship, the slap of water only inches from his ear, didn’t matter so much. Reno, to his surprise, quickly fell into a dreamless sleep. 

♦

The two friends sat against bleached wood, faces to the pale sun, handle-less teacups warming their hands. Rawhide kept a sharp eye on Reno, who sat enshrouded in a quilt. The companionable silence might have stretched on all morning.

‘You’re gay, aren’t you?’ 

Rawhide laughed. ‘It’s a fine time to ask me that.’ He looked over at the other man. ‘We spend a week facing death together, talking about all these earth-shattering topics like whether God exists. Then we spend the night in each other’s arms, and the following morning you finally ask me if I’m gay.’

‘Well, I didn’t like to before,’ Reno floundered. ‘I was waiting for you to talk about it.’

‘But I don’t talk about it, do I?’ He looked away, so that Reno couldn’t see his face. His amusement had vanished. 

‘No. And I hate to see you so lonely and unhappy.’ 

‘I’m not unhappy. I have everything I could want.’

‘No, you don’t.’ 

Rawhide fixed him with a stare that might have frightened anyone else off the topic for life. ‘Don’t you dare –’

‘What, bring Buckaroo into the conversation?’ 

‘Stop meddling. It’s no one’s business but my own.’ 

Reno chose to ignore that. ‘Does he even _know_?’

‘No. And that’s the way it stays.’ But Rawhide seemed unable to remain angry. ‘Well, I guess he must know. It’s not like he’s lacking in the observation department. But I was so afraid of losing him because of it. I have his friendship – that means everything to me. I don’t want him to feel uncomfortable with me.’ 

‘How could he? Why don’t you tell him? He might come to love you, too.’ 

‘No – you don’t know what you’re saying. It’s such a hard thing to come to terms with. He wouldn’t want that. And his friendship – _that_ sort of love from him is more than I ever dreamed of. That’s enough for me.’ 

‘Was it so hard for you to come to terms with? Why does it have to be like that?’ 

‘Lord, Reno, it was the worst thing that ever happened to me, realizing how I was. You don’t understand.’ 

‘So tell me.’ 

After a while Rawhide said firmly, ‘This doesn’t go into one of your books, all right, Reno?’

‘No, of course not,’ the other man agreed.

Rawhide sighed, and gazed off to the hazy line where the open sea met the sky. Slowly, he began to tell the story. ‘I was married for two years. My wife was so beautiful, so sweet and strong, so loving. But by the end, it was our friendship that was the deepest love between us. And she left, with our children, and I was alone for the first time ever. And I couldn’t sort out in my mind why our marriage hadn’t worked. I mean, of course a couple should be friends, but that shouldn’t be _all_ there is either. I figured there must be something wrong with me. Then I found out what it was. 

‘I hadn’t seen this guy I knew for over a year, but he was just the same. Came bursting unannounced into my room one night, champagne in one hand, smile plastered over his face. He sat us on the sofa, all the while hanging onto me. He was drunk already. After all that time without him, it didn’t seem odd to sit in his arms, or hold him close. I was too glad to see him. I’d been so lonely, so empty.’ 

Rawhide sighed again, and took a moment before he continued.

‘He kissed me. We hadn’t even finished our first glass of champagne, and his lips were on mine. I just sat there, amazed at how my body responded to him. Horrified. It was like I was in someone else’s body altogether, except it was me. It was _me_ enjoying what he did. 

‘He was kneeling on the floor between my legs. Kissing me. Hauling me close to him. I let him do what he wanted. I drank as much of the champagne as I could stomach. We went to my bed. It was like we were mad. It was all too new to me. And he – he’d never let himself know before that it was _me_ he wanted. I couldn’t relax. He was too angry at himself. It was more like fighting than loving. 

‘In the morning, we were sleepless and grey and hurting. He wanted me to live with him again, this time as lovers. I’d have none of it. I didn’t even want to know. I told him I didn’t love him, as friends or anything else. And he looked like I’d killed something in him. Something vital.’ 

Reno gazed at his friend, wondering why Rawhide didn’t cry. Tears had started in Reno’s eyes in sympathy for the dryness of Rawhide’s. ‘But you did love him?’ Reno prompted quietly. 

‘He was – he was my _brother_. I adored him. He was all the family I’d had, for most of my life. Now do you see?’ 

‘Oh, Rawhide. I’m so sorry.’ 

‘Sorry?’ Rawhide laughed humorlessly. ‘You’re meant to be revolted.’ 

‘What happened? Did you see him again?’ 

‘Yes. But I’d met Buckaroo by then. I was so confused and hurt and angry. And Buckaroo was everything you describe him as in your novels, plus one thing. I fell in love with him then and there, and I knew it. If it wasn’t for my brother, maybe it would have been years before I realized. And my brother saw that I loved Buckaroo with everything I was, and there was nothing left for him – and I lost him altogether. That must have been like salt in his wounds, or worse.’ 

‘But there was nothing you could have done.’ 

‘Wasn’t there? If he wanted my love, couldn’t I have given him that? Didn’t I owe him that much? There was a time when I thought I owed him everything.’ 

‘You have to be true to your own feelings. You can’t live a lie. It wouldn’t have done your brother any good for you to lie to him. In any case, there are reasons why it’s against the law. Good reasons. You mustn’t feel bad for protecting yourself.’ 

‘I think he’s dead now,’ Rawhide said very quietly, leaning his head back against the worn old wood of the fishing boat. ‘I never heard from him again. When I finally went looking, I couldn’t find him.’ 

After a long while, Reno turned his gaze on Rawhide, considering. ‘A deal,’ he offered. ‘You promise me you’ll tell Buckaroo of your love for him, if I can prove to you that there is something homosexual in all of us.’

Rawhide eyed him tiredly. ‘All right,’ he said. ‘Is this your pet theory again – there’s something of everything in everyone? In this case, I think you’re very wrong.’ 

Reno didn’t turn away as he told his story. ‘I had this friend Tim once. I went camping with him and his family one long summer holiday. We were just fourteen. And we were in love, Rawhide, in our own youthful way. All summer we spent together, laughing and loving. Discovering. There were girls, but we only wanted each other. All our nights and days in each other’s bare arms. Looking back, it was all pretty innocent, but back then – Well, it was the most romantic time of my life.’ Beneath Reno’s bright, searching gaze, Rawhide looked betrayed. ‘And aren’t I one of the straightest guys you’ve ever known? There _is_ something of it in all of us. Do you not believe me?’ 

‘No. So maybe one boy in a thousand has loved another boy. That doesn’t make it right or natural. When you’re growing up, you don’t know right from wrong.’ 

‘The figure is more like one in two, my friend,’ Reno argued gently, ‘for that kind of experience. You hide from the truth.’ 

‘It’s just the way we are?’ Rawhide spat out, suddenly turning to confront his friend. ‘So why has it caused me so much pain? Why was my brother so afraid and miserable with himself? Why would you and Tim have been punished if you’d been found out?’ 

‘Old prejudices, old fears. They grow less important every day. Rawhide, I’m sorry it became so mixed up with guilt and shame for you, but that’s not how love should be. Do you think Buckaroo shares those prejudices?’ 

‘No. But I would not have the world think less of him.’ 

‘What does he care what people think of him? Has he ever changed what he thought or did to fit in with the world’s misconceptions?’ 

Rawhide sighed. ‘No. But that doesn’t mean he’d change for me either, Reno. Look, his friendship is what helped me come to terms with myself, OK? Do we have to talk about him? There’s nothing more to say!’ 

And a silence stretched for a long moment. ‘I’ve got something else to tell you, my friend.’ Reno waited until he had Rawhide’s full attention again. ‘Tim is not the only guy I’ve ever wanted to make love with.’

‘Oh?’

‘There’s you, too.’ 

‘Reno! Stop kidding around.’ 

His expression was sharp and amused against his friend’s skepticism. ‘It’s true – lying there with you last night, what do you expect? Call it an affirmation of life if you like. We almost died together out there, but we hung on, sharing what we thought were our last days, sharing our deepest secrets – all our secrets but one, and we’ve shared that today. And now we’re safe again. I lay there feeling beautifully warm in your lovely arms, and I wanted to make love with you!’ Reno tilted his head closer to confess, ‘And, my friend, I still do.’

‘No,’ was the firm reply. 

‘No, what?’ Reno laughed. 

‘No, I won’t have sex with you – and, no, I won’t ever tell Buckaroo.’ Rawhide stared angrily away from the man sitting so close beside him. 

‘We had a deal…’ Reno insisted. 

‘That wasn’t fair. I thought we were simply going to debate the issue.’ 

‘Did I not prove my case?’ 

‘I don’t know what to think anymore,’ Rawhide muttered morosely. ‘You turn everything upside-down.’ 

‘Say rather right-side-out.’ Reno shuffled a little closer, eased an arm around the man’s waist. 

Almost despite himself, Rawhide turned into Reno’s embrace. ‘Don’t make me doubt myself,’ he pleaded, muffled in the quilt over Reno’s shoulder. ‘Dear Lord, I don’t know what to do.’ 

‘Do what’s right for Buckaroo,’ Reno said gently. 

‘I’ve been trying to!’ he cried out. 

‘What’s the one thing he needs? The one thing he’s been without for so long?’ 

‘What?’

‘Love, pure and simple. _Your_ love.’ 

‘No! The love of a woman. Someone like Peggy, if there is anyone.’ 

‘But why not you? Don’t you think Buckaroo would be absolutely delighted if his beloved best friend offered him his love? A man like you – so warm and caring. Don’t tell me he wouldn’t love to fall into your welcoming embrace. He cares so much for you, Rawhide. If I can want you like I do right now, dream of how he would feel…’

‘No,’ Rawhide whispered. ‘If he’s never thought about it, like you have, then he’d never feel so easy with it. It took me years, Reno, to feel easy with myself. I can accept this is what I am, but I’m not going to inflict it on anyone else. And certainly not Buckaroo –’

‘But haven’t you had a lover to make you realize how good and natural it is? All this talk comes to nothing when –’

‘No. No lovers. A few nights now and then. When I couldn’t hold out any longer. Some men, some women. I never felt happy about either.’ 

‘Oh, Rawhide…’ 

‘Don’t say it like that.’ Rawhide sat up to pull away from his friend’s sympathy. ‘I have Buckaroo’s friendship, and I’m at peace with myself. What else can I ask for?’ 

‘His love! He would give it to you so happily, I’m sure. He loves you so much already. And the true peace you would find in his loving; you can ask for that, too.’ 

‘No, Reno.’ 

‘Can you really believe he wouldn’t want you? You’re an outrageously attractive man, you know. Don’t tell me you don’t notice you’d pull all the guys and girls if you wanted them – even Tommy would only get the leftovers, and I’d have no hope.’ 

‘You’re full of it, Reno.’ But he was almost laughing at these ridiculous exaggerations. 

Reno moved closer again. ‘It’s true! So big and tall, with your handsome face and long hands… Rawhide… may I…?’ And as Rawhide smiled indulgently down, Reno pushed up and kissed him on the mouth. 

For a long moment, Rawhide froze, and Reno felt a flash of foolishness. Then his lips softened, and he returned Reno’s kiss briefly, before pulling away. ‘Don’t do that,’ Rawhide whispered, looking around to see if any of the fishermen had noticed. ‘Please, Reno.’ 

‘I want to make love with you, my friend,’ Reno replied, surprising himself with his seriousness. ‘Don’t tell me no.’ 

‘It’s not like that, Reno. It’s not making love.’ 

‘Whatever do you mean?’ Reno squirmed a little closer, suddenly warmer. He shrugged the heavy quilt off, the better to hold his companion. ‘An affirmation of life,’ he breathed against Rawhide’s cheek, brushing his lips against the stubble. 

‘It’s not making love,’ Rawhide insisted. ‘With another man, it’s not so sweet like that.’ 

‘Oh, the way I feel right now, it’s damn sweet.’ 

Rawhide tried to hold the smaller man away from him, attention finally fully on his friend’s words. ‘Stop it, Reno! I’m not having sex with you! I like you far too much. Just quit it!’ 

‘But what else are friends for?’ 

‘Not for having sex with.’

‘I don’t want to have sex with you! I want to make love with you, I want to make you smile, I want to make you feel good. And then I want to bundle you off to Buckaroo, because he’s gonna make you feel even better than I’m going to.’ 

Rawhide was shaking his head, a rueful smile on his lips. ‘Will you quit trying to hug me? They’ll throw us overboard again, and we won’t even have a thermos to float on this time!’ 

‘They don’t care, stupid; we’re decadent foreigners. Or some of us want to be, anyhow.’ 

‘You’re a dear friend, Reno, but you don’t understand. Just leave it, OK? Because I love you dearly.’ 

‘And I you. What don’t I understand?’ 

‘Just leave it, Reno. Please.’ 

‘Tell me, or I’ll kiss you again!’ 

‘You’re incorrigible.’ Rawhide eyed Reno’s lifted brow and quirky smile, but also saw his gaze caring and uneasy. ‘It’s not making love,’ Rawhide eventually repeated. ‘It wasn’t like that, even with my brother, and I loved him. It was like all the others I’ve had since. Just sex. A relief at best. Making love is for movies. Or for straights. Like it was for a while for me and my wife.’ 

Reno still gazed up at him, a slight quiver now to one side of his mouth. ‘Oh, my poor dear friend. I’m sorry for insisting. But it doesn’t have to be like that. Not for anyone. Certainly not for anyone as caring as you.’ 

‘You don’t know, Reno.’ 

‘I do – it was making love between me and Tim. Not that we did much, but everything we did was making love. Every time. And what I felt for you. What I feel for you now, my dear.’ 

‘No, Reno. You’re sweet, but…’

‘Give me a chance. I don’t want to force you into anything, I really don’t – but come on, my dear. Let me kiss you, let me show you what it can be like.’ 

‘Well, it wouldn’t be anything, and I’d lose your friendship. I don’t want to lose that – and if I lost Buckaroo’s friendship –’ He broke off, unable to voice the direst of consequences.

‘Oh, sweet thing, believe me – how it was for you and your wife, it can be that good for you and Buckaroo. Even better, if you’ve really been gay all along, not meaning to dismiss your wife. Please, let me show you. You’re breaking my heart.’ 

Rawhide gazed down at his pleading expression. ‘You do this for love of me,’ he said slowly. ‘And you’re so sure you’re right?’ 

‘Yes. Oh, yes, my friend.’

‘All right. All right, I’ll try. Just please don’t expect – And if you don’t want anything else, just say –’ 

‘Sshhh…’ Reno reached a hand to caress his cheek, run back through his thick curly hair. ‘Sshhh… It will be all right. It’ll be fine… Just kiss me now, sweet thing. Just kiss me. Trust me…’ 

Rawhide tentatively leant closer, placed his lips against Reno’s. Gently, so slowly, kissed him. 

‘Was that so awful?’ Reno murmured mischievously once the other man had broken away. 

‘No.’ Unmindful of the crew all around them, Rawhide pulled Reno firmly into his embrace. 

‘I think I’m gonna need warming up again tonight…’ 

‘I think I can help out there,’ his friend replied. 

Reno smiled contentedly at the note of anticipation in Rawhide’s voice. ‘I was hoping you might.’

♦

‘Go on, Rawhide, _say_ something,’ Reno whispered urgently. ‘You promised me.’ 

‘What’s that?’ came Buckaroo’s voice over the radio. ‘I can’t hear you very well.’ 

‘Uh, Reno’s just being a pain as usual, Buckaroo. It’s been a _long_ expedition.’ Rawhide grinned back at Reno’s glower. 

‘Aren’t you two children getting along?’ Buckaroo said, his scolding tone undermined by a laugh. 

‘I wouldn’t quite put it that way, actually,’ Rawhide commented – and he continued before Buckaroo had a chance to ask his meaning. ‘Reno wants me to talk to you about something, but it will have to wait ’til I get back to the Institute.’ 

‘I’ll be here. If I don’t die of curiosity first.’ 

‘We’ll be home Tuesday afternoon, OK? Don’t die on me between now and then.’ 

‘I’ll do my best, Rawhide. Just hurry up – I miss you.’ 

Rawhide signed off, a lop-sided smile on his face, and he turned to Reno. ‘Some lover you turned out to be, wanting to off-load me at the first opportunity!’ 

‘I’m just too noble for my own good,’ Reno said with a grin. ‘Come back to bed, then, and make it worth my while.’ 

Rawhide stood up with a laugh, shaking his head in disbelief at where he found himself. ‘Lead the way, Reno!’ And he followed with a happy heart.

♦


End file.
